Ever find yourself wondering: How did I end with this man/woman?
What on earth was I thinking about when I got married?!!!
How much choice do we actually have, if we have any?
Isn’t that amazing that with all the possibilities out there we still chose the “wrong” people who make us suffer, cry, enter depression? What and when went wrong?
How come in age of infinite possibilities to chose partners from all over the world we chose this “idiot” and are still not happy?
First, because your partner is not a tool for making you happy. No matter whom you chose, as research shows, the happiness level goes back to where it used to be after 2 years of marriage.
Secondly, we don’t fully chose, our trauma does. To be more precise, we chose the partner to recreate the emotional environment that we had in our parental families. Simply because the brain sometimes thinks that familiar is the new sexy.
Thirdly, we chose according to our most vital needs at that moment. Let’s say back then, 10 years ago the most vital need was for stability and healing after a terrible breakup. Problem starts once this need is satisfied, you are like “so what do we do next?! I don’t need this person anymore…” Then the question is what are your needs *now* and how you can ask your partner to meet your new needs. OR it could be that your partner cannot meet these needs and you learn to live with it, or get separated.
Fourthly, we could be choosing because someone else would approve it. It was not *our* authentic choice to begin with.
Finally, we didn’t chose, our libido did. That also happens.
Whatever was your choice (or lack of it for that matter) you can always find new meanings and bonds in couple therapy. Sometimes as a couple you might go through unnecessary pain and I invite you to explore it together with me and might see an easier way out.